By: Nichelle N. Cook
"You're so vain, I bet you think this [life] is about you." - Carly Simon (with a lil' twist of course)
Yesterday evening I was asked by one of my mentees if I had any prayer requests, my answer, per the usual, was for more wisdom. Although I proceeded to add a few more requests to the list, life consistently reveals why the first must remain no matter what. Before I get into it however, let me shout out one of my Biblical faves, Solomon, for leading the way (see 1 Kings 3:9-13 for reference).
Alright, now back to the post. If you've been following my professional journey for any length of time, you know that I am typically very candid about the "why" behind my career goals. Every now and then I even share a sneak peek into some of the struggles that accompany the proverbial "thorns in my side" (namely ADHD and anxiety) that tend to complicate things a bit. In keeping with that sentiment, I'll share another "the desire to lead with my strengths and not my deficits." Though on it's surface this doesn't seem like it should be an issue at all, for me here's where it gets complicated.
Let's start with my lifelong resolve: "This little [brain] of mine, I'm gonna let it shine." Though I haven't always framed it using this exact verbiage, the sentiment has always been present. I've never shied away from the desire to learn whatever I could. Given this, most people perceived me to be a pretty brainy kid with a lot of potential. As more of that potential started to actualize, not only did my confidence grow in my ability, but also other people's perception of my ability too.
What they didn't see, however, were the struggles that accompanied it. For one, I couldn't follow directions to save my life amid certain distractions - despite the fact that I desperately wanted to. My maternal grandmother would demonstrate this often by asking me and several other grandchildren to retrieve various items from the kitchen. One of us, more often than not, came back with exactly what she requested with no problem at all. Me, on the other hand, not so much. Here's sort of how it would go down on a good day.
Nichelle: Will you get me a glass of water?
Me: Yes, ma'am. (with every intention of satisfactorily completing the task.)
Also me seconds later: I know she asked for something from the kitchen, but I don't know what it was. I can't ask because then she'll think I wasn't paying attention. If I don't ask I'll probably get it wrong. I'm just going to stand here for a second and try to think. Uhhh... I give up, let me just grab something she usually asks for and hope for the best.
***anxiously walks back with water*** while starring at her face for confirmation that I got it right.
Silent inner me: Whew! Good job, Chelle.
I chose to provide the play-by-play of the best case scenario to demonstrate that even on days when I got it right, I exerted far more energy than it should have taken to complete a relatively simple task. I also chose to provide this example because it's a lot less painful than discussing the nosedive my self-esteem took during the far more frequent instances when my guessing game was not so successful. Thankfully, with my maternal grandmother the end result would only be a few laughs at my expense and a reminder to start paying more attention when spoken too. This was because although slightly annoyed, she had enough wisdom to realize that a punitive approach would solve very little. Instead, she harped on my strengths by regularly holding "court" in the living room, allowing me (and my equally 'spaced-out' cousin) to highlight our brilliance as aspiring attorneys. Perhaps the best part of the whole thing is that she had enough kids and grandkids to make up a jury, bailiff and everything else we needed.
Those things considered, I learned that as long as I could consistently shine through my strengths, my deficits didn't matter as much. Perhaps 'super smart with no common sense' could have a nice ring to it if I learned to spin it right.
Right? Wrong.
Here's why. What I quickly learned during my formative years was that sometimes I'd be afforded the opportunity to separate the two. Other times, however, my strengths and weaknesses would be one and the same (or at the very least, "hopelessly commingled" as my fellow legal eagles would put it). Let's take first grade for example, I was assigned the task of completing a math test shortly after returning to school from being out sick. Needless to say, I didn't want to be there and an unduly long math test didn't make things any more exciting. Thankfully, however, when I looked at the test I realized that much of what was on there I'd already proven that I knew. As such, I decided to only do the "bonus stuff". Shortly thereafter, my teacher (whom I love dearly to this day) graded it accordingly and proceeded to contact my mom about my "F".
Once she made it clear that it wasn't because I didn't know it, but because I refused to do it my mom made it equally clear to me that the decision at hand wasn't mine to make. The next day I painstakingly got through the rest of the test and got the answers right. Years later as I recall this moment, I see it for much more than it appeared on the surface. For starters, I realize that in this instance perhaps there was a reasonably justifiable excuse for not wanting to complete the task. On the flip side, I realize that the countless other instances where I actually wanted to but couldn't bring myself to do the tasks at hand may have also contributed to my lack of interest even on days when I could.
Here's what I mean. There were times when I didn't want to so I didn't. Those instances caused me to label myself lazy and unmotivated. Similarly, there were times when I wanted to with all my heart, but couldn't bring myself to. Those instances also drove me to label myself lazy and unmotivated. Annnndddd now for the kicker... Even during the times when I completely knocked the ball out of the park when everything was weighing on my success, I internally used those moments to confirm that all other instances when I didn't perform were results of...
***drumroll please***
...laziness and lack of motivation.
Needless to say, this hurt badly and caused me to internalize what I now know to be symptoms of ADHD as flaws in my work ethic, personality and overall existence. Nonetheless, I learned that if I put up substantially more wins than losses perhaps the instances when my brain just refused to cooperate wouldn't matter so much. As it turns out, in regard to academic success, I was right. Regarding my self-esteem and over all social-emotional development, not so much.
In retrospect, almost thirty years following the first grade incident, I realize that I needed that moment (and the countless others that both preceded and followed it) to shape my purpose. Similarly to Paul, I asked God on multiple occasions to take it away. As God honors my prayer for wisdom more and more, I'm learning to embrace not only Paul's request but God's reply:
And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong. - 2 Corinthians 12:7-10
Though at times I'm still vain enough to believe that this life is about me, life quickly reminds me that it's not. Instead, it's about God getting every ounce of the glory through even the deepest of my struggles and equally during my biggest triumphs. It's also about the grace that I'm so abundantly afforded that enables me to win, not because of my struggles or despite my struggles, but alongside my struggles so that the full extent of God's goodness is forever on display.
Stay tuned for more insights regarding my journey with ADHD as I pray for the wisdom and insight to share what will prayerfully bless others. Lastly, my prayer for myself and you is that we will come to realize the beauty and necessity of both the rain and sunshine in our existence during this life.
Happy Sunday!
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